I seriously overslept this morning. I had planned to get up and have most of my weekend chores completed by now, but I’m still in my pajamas. The alarm sounded but I don’t remember turning it off. I didn’t have the benefit of a kitty alarm because she’s banned from the bedroom. She’s developed a hair ball problem. I’m going to try that black goop that comes in a tube and if that doesn’t work, off to the vet she goes.

I had one of my “quiet house epiphanies” this morning. Though I am loathe to admit it, I have been slacking through existence for the last couple of years. I under perform at work and sleep walk through life. The whole world seems to be moving at a marathon pace and I’m talking a leisurely walk. It finally hit me this morning why that is. My mother died a couple of years back. My whole outlook on life changed though I didn’t realize it at the time. A close friend pointed out that I had been different ever since my mother succumbed to the Big C and I saw that she was right. I believed it was because I had no more nemesis. There is no one left alive that would tear me down to build herself up. I thought I would be happy because that meant I was free to be me. In the vein the Pink Floyd’s The Wall, I could stop building my wall. It’s high enough and thick enough to protect me from whatever.

Oh how wrong I was.

The measurement of my worth as a human being is gone so I no longer feel the need to push myself. I have allowed every aspect of my life to slowly deteriorate; career, marriage and health (I’ve put on about 30 pounds since my mother died). Self motivation is not nearly as powerful a drive (for me anyway) as fending off parental judgement. I don’t know how to move forward without someone I need to prove myself to. I’m an old dog trying to learn new tricks and failing miserably.