I seriously overslept this morning. I had planned to get up and have most of my weekend chores completed by now, but I’m still in my pajamas. The alarm sounded but I don’t remember turning it off. I didn’t have the benefit of a kitty alarm because she’s banned from the bedroom. She’s developed a hair ball problem. I’m going to try that black goop that comes in a tube and if that doesn’t work, off to the vet she goes.

I had one of my “quiet house epiphanies” this morning. Though I am loathe to admit it, I have been slacking through existence for the last couple of years. I under perform at work and sleep walk through life. The whole world seems to be moving at a marathon pace and I’m talking a leisurely walk. It finally hit me this morning why that is. My mother died a couple of years back. My whole outlook on life changed though I didn’t realize it at the time. A close friend pointed out that I had been different ever since my mother succumbed to the Big C and I saw that she was right. I believed it was because I had no more nemesis. There is no one left alive that would tear me down to build herself up. I thought I would be happy because that meant I was free to be me. In the vein the Pink Floyd’s The Wall, I could stop building my wall. It’s high enough and thick enough to protect me from whatever.

Oh how wrong I was.

The measurement of my worth as a human being is gone so I no longer feel the need to push myself. I have allowed every aspect of my life to slowly deteriorate; career, marriage and health (I’ve put on about 30 pounds since my mother died). Self motivation is not nearly as powerful a drive (for me anyway) as fending off parental judgement. I don’t know how to move forward without someone I need to prove myself to. I’m an old dog trying to learn new tricks and failing miserably.

So despite my best pharmaceutical efforts, I remain in a rather hostile mood today.  Hey what’s to be angry about?  Some prick is trying to steal my job and my boss is pretty much letting him.  I went in to my boss’s office to get some clarification about my place in the office, but he doesn’t seem interested in hearing my concerns.  That bored look on his face pissed me off and the Xanax I took magically disappeared from my blood stream.  It was a little disconcerting as that has never happened to me before.  Usually Xanax keeps me mellow no matter what.  I guess I’ll just have to learn to control my temper.

I won’t get into the details as I’ve read enough news stories about people being fired for blogging about work.  Let’s just say that a minority-majority workplace is no guarantee that you will be shielded from discrimination.  On the positive side, the incident did remind me of my long term goals and I stuck to my diet instead going out for comfort food.  In fact, now that I really think about it, this could work to my advantage.  If I can get this guy to take over more of my responsibilities, it will leave me more time for career development.  Since I’m looking to leave anyway, why should it matter if he wants my job?  The hard part will be protecting myself until I’m ready to leave.